Learning How to Trust My Doctors, by Victoria Moore

   For some time now I've been debating about whether or not my life would've gone differently if I hadn't listened to my doctors. Would I still be able to tap dance or attend the computer classes I've started taking at the "Venice Skills Center"? Would I still be able to be a member of the MarVista Library Mystery Club? I thought I had pushed this thought to the back burner until July 11 at the Cancer Support Community-Benjamin Center's Writing Group. Scheduled as a committed group, led by facilitator Zena Bartholomew from 1-3 p.m. every Wednesday, the latest change she's instituted -using topic cards from the "GO WISH" Game (www.codalliance.org)- has given me fresh inspiration and a deeper understanding of my present circumstances.
    On that fateful day, when I reached into the yellow ceramic bowl she stores the cards in before we select one, I never dreamed I'd get the one that said, "To Trust My Doctor". To give you a fuller understanding of how much that topic influenced me then I've reprinted what I wrote in class below:
   
     To trust my doctor or not to trust my doctor? That's not a question for me because my doctors have never given me a reason not to trust them. I really don't think I'd be here if I didn't. They've been there for me every step of the way on my journey and helped me feel as though I always had someone in my corner. They've also reduced and eliminated my fears by visiting me in the hospital, emailing me when they had something to tell me and remaining consistent throughout my treatment.
     I don't know if I'd have been able to face the disease with as much courage as I have without their support. Initially I was afraid of doctors, in general, the hospital, and being sick, but once I got diagnosed with Stage II A breast cancer, I lost my fears and embraced trust.
    The trust I feel for my doctors has affected other parts of my life and I've opened up to others, as well, in ways I wouldn't have before. I've also learned to trust myself more and take more chances. This new openness makes me feel freer and courageous in the face of my new reality. Now when I want to go through an unknown door I do so without hesitation. As a matter of fact I embrace whatever awaits me behind that door. That doesn't mean I tread dancerously and follow dark paths it just means I allow my life to expand as it should.
    Part of the reason I do that is to stay out of a rut and keep challenging myself. I want to keep changing. When I grow internally I want to change externally to match the overall shift. Trust in my own vision is the reason for that and that originated with trust in my doctors. No one told me that I'd become a different person, so I wasn't prepared for it until my doctors and other healthcare professionals explained that I had to to fight my disease. In that case it hasn't been such a bad thing. So now I don't care if I have to trust in my doctors to proceed with a new treatment or on my own path with a new hairdo, clothing style or attitude, my goal is still to reach the next level whether it's towards a healthier future or stronger, more focused life path. Wherever my trust takes me will be alright because it's coming from a good place.